I just want someone to love me and treat me right.
And I want that to be Ryan.
Isn’t it horrible how sleeping next to someone at night can make you feel so much less alone?
I always feel like I’m on the verge of tears now. I want this to stop. I just want to feel better. I want to be happy.
I used to think it was a cry for attention not a cry for help. Until just the other day when I ran through my room looking for anything with an edge. I pried razors from their plastic prison and turned them on myself. I could never comprehend this until I stood in the shoes of self loathing. The razor I had was too small to do me any good so I just sat there letting it dance across my wrist. A shallow attempt. The walls reverberated, “I’ve been leaving you, since the day we met.” The words echoed in my head, “and it feels like you have too.” I dove a little deeper with each chorus. Again and again. I hated myself. My wrist beaded red. It was like relieving pressure, or swimming to the surface to get some air. I kept thinking about how he didn’t pick up. I hated myself. I dove deeper. Not deep enough.
I didn’t hear Stef come in, he ran a towel to the sink. I only noticed him when he jumped on me, knocking me from my position. He push the towel into my wrist and asked if it hurt and I said no, he pushed hard, “does it hurt now because what you’re doing to yourself really fucking hurts me,” he cried. Nothing hurt. Not my open skin, not my brother bearing down on my wrist. I was under water, withdrawn into myself. I was Uncomfortably Numb. What did hurt was the fact that none of it hurt, I was broken. He threw the razor away from me with complete hate. My wrist ran dry.
I laid there crying, my insides feeling as if they were withering away like flowers in a vase.
I picked up my phone and called again. I wanted my stuff back. No I didn’t. I don’t. I just wanted him to hold me and not let go. He’s the only one who makes me feel at home. Without him I feel like I’m falling to pieces. It is killing me from the inside. It feels like poison in my veins and I want him back or I want it out.
I feel like I’m dying inside.
So.. if home is where the heart what happens when the person who has your heart doesn’t want to see you anymore?
Am I homeless now?
I wonder if he would even care if I killed myself.
I’m sad and it’s like pretty fucking pathetic.
Shout out to my old best friend. Thanks for leaving and thanks for realizing how shitty I was for some reason or another. I don’t know what changed but I know I feel oh-so-alone right meow.
So alone that I went on her Tumblr and saw some sad posts and things and it made me sad because I can’t do anything about it because she just kind of hates me so.
Ryan called to say goodnight last night. We didn’t say I love you. I miss him. I want him in my life but I’m so scared because no matter what, in a couple of months, we can’t be together anymore.
My heart aches.
I love Ryan to death and sometimes it hurts.
In a past life I had to be some cold blooded creature or something. A snake maybe. Callous, cold and dead in the eyes. Something like that.
Being on my ass for the past month has really been an interesting process.
Whipping my bitch stepmother around the room by her hair was pretty interesting too. I never knew how that could feel.
Now that I’m about to move into the new place I feel more liberated. All those things made me feel so much more liberated. Not that I was the most oppressed teenager or something.
I know that things will probably be more difficult now but I think this is what my parents need, I need.
Need to show them that I’m not a stupid child.
Need to show them how strong I am.
To show them they aren’t why I’ve succeeded all these years. Yes, they guided my hand sometimes but truthfully the thing that I do and the choices I make about myself are for myself.
Yes, I do sometimes do things to make my dad happy and yes I do comply I avoid confrontation but in all actuality my schooling, work, and social life are chosen by me and me alone.
They don’t think I can do this. They’re probably waiting around for me to fail because the expenses are too steep.
But you can’t put a price on this liberty I feel now and I will work my ass off to keep it.
I know people who would kill you just because I ask and never bat an eye lash.